Vagina Fairytale

Think every woman has a vagina?  Think again. 

Around this time of year the feminist students at my university get very excited about The Vagina Monologues. I want to support my students who are involved with the production, and I appreciate how empowering and important this work is for many of them. I get it. But enough already about the vajayjay.  

My vagina is not the source of my womanhood nor does it make me a woman.  I think ideas like this reinforce heteronormativity and fail to take into account the experiences of many intersex and trans people, who call into question the supposedly causal connection between bodies and genders.

This is one reason I was so happy to discover the work of femme intersex activist Caitlin Petrakis Childs, who critiques The Vagina Monologues as “an intersex person and a woman without a vagina.”  Below you’ll find her talk from a panel held at Emory University. The panel, “Whose Vagina Monologues? Feminist Critiques of V-Day,” addressed the pros and cons of V-Day movement and the nature of feminist engagements with it.  Check out Caitlin’s website and blog, Caitlin Petrakis Childs.  Here’s her speech:

Feminist Critiques of V-Day Panel Speech by Caitlin Childs

I was 17 when I first heard about the ‘Vagina Monologues’. I was a young and idealistic feminist and was excited to hear about the commotion this play was causing around the United States. When I heard that the play would be performed at the Roxy in Atlanta, a group of friends and I went to see it.

I loved the first-hand experiences of women relayed through the monologues. I was excited by the possibilities of combining social justice activism with performance, two long-time interests of mine.

At one point in the play, a “Vagina Fairytale” was told. I would like to read you an excerpt from that piece: (Pages 99-100 of ‘The Vagina Monologues, V-Day Edition)

Or the story of the stunning young woman in Oklahoma, who approached me after the show with her stepmother to tell me how she had been born without a vagina, and only realized it when she was fourteen. She was playing with her girlfriend. They compared their genitals and she realized hers were different, something was wrong. She went to the gynecologist with her father, the parent she was close to, and the doctor discovered that in fact she did not have a vagina or uterus. Her father was heartbroken, trying to repress his tears and sadness so his daughter would not feel bad. On the way home from the doctor, in a noble attempt to comfort her, he said, “Don’t worry darlin’. This is gonna be just fine. As a matter of fact, it’s gonna be great. We’re gonna get you the best homemade pussy in America. And when you meet your husband, he’s gonna know we had it made specially for him.” And they did get her a new pussy, and she was relaxed and happy and when she brought her father back two night later, the love between them melted me.

That piece resonated with me in a way I couldn’t fully articulate at the time. I felt like someone had hit me in the stomach. You see, when I was 15, I was diagnosed with what I now know is an intersex condition, when it was discovered that I was born without a uterus and vagina. Upon diagnosis, I went through multiple genital exams by multiple physicians, was initially misdiagnosed and given a painful and unnecessary surgery and was informed that I would need to have a vagina created via surgical or non-surgical methods at some point in my life. This experience was extremely traumatic and difficult for me. This was NOT due to being born with a body that doesn’t fit what is deemed “normal” for a girl or a woman, but was a result of being told that my body was “wrong” and needed to be fixed. It was due to doctors medicalizing this variance in my body and treating it as if it were a true medical emergency.

Because of all of the shame and trauma surrounding my diagnosis, at 17 when I first saw the Vagina Monologues, the friends who were with me were not aware of my intersex condition. Hearing this monologue and knowing that there was something seriously wrong with the way the play portrayed this young women and her experiences was not something I could articulate due to my own shame, silence and disempowerment.

About a year later, when attending a conference, I stumbled upon an intersex workshop and realized that this “condition” I had been diagnosed with at 15 was under the umbrella term of intersex. I learned that there was an entire movement of people organizing to stop the pain and trauma that people like myself go through as a result of being born into bodies that vary from what is supposedly normal. With this knowledge, I was finally able to deal with the trauma I had gone through years earlier and finally felt entitled to be angry. I found my voice and started to get more and more critical about our cultures narrow ideas around gender, sex, sexuality and bodies.

I finally realized why I had felt something so deeply in my stomach when I heard the “Vagina Fairytale”. I became critical of the sentiment behind this piece that implied that being a woman without a vagina was unacceptable and must be “fixed”. It implies that when vaginas do exist, they exist for husbands. It makes huge assumptions about this young girls heterosexuality. When doctor’s discovered I was born without a vagina, many of these same ideas and assumptions were made. No one ever asked me if I was interested in penetrative vaginal sex, let alone if I was heterosexual. It was clear to me that the doctor’s treating me felt that I needed to have cosmetic surgery on my genitals in order to be a real woman and though it wasn’t, they implied this would be medically necessary. I was never told that it would be equally acceptable for me to continue my life as a woman without a vagina.

In 2002, intersex activists wrote to Eve Ensler to point out the harm being done by the “Vagina Fairytale”. When Eve did not respond, activists contacted V-Day organizers to educate them about intersex genital mutilation and the intersex activist movement. Intersex activists asked V-Day to remove the “Fairytale” and to encourage V-Day to live up to it’s mission of ending violence against women and putting a stop to genital mutilation by including intersex people. Eventually, due to the pressure from intersex activists, V-day issued a joint press release with the Intersex Society of North America clarifying their position on intersex genital mutilation and urging local V-Day organizers to donate money to ISNA’s work.

In 2003, the “Vagina Fairytale” was removed from the V-Day script. However, a monologue from an intersex person’s perspective did not replace it. That year, V-Day organizers were told by the national office that they could plug additional monologues into their local productions of the play. Some producers chose to include monologues written by intersex individuals, but most did not. Later, V-Day reversed this and as it stands, local organizers cannot add any additional monologues to the script.

The more I thought about this and the Vagina Monologues as a whole, the more critical I became. The idea that having a vagina is the one thing that unites all women, just doesn’t work. Women exist with many different types of bodies, some with vaginas and some without. Vaginas do not make women, women.

The more I examined the Vagina Monologues, the more problems I saw. Why is it that the ritualistic cutting of women’s genitals in Africa is portrayed as serious and tragic, yet the “Vagina Fairytale” is written in a fun and lighthearted monologue? Why is it that genital cutting in other countries is portrayed as barbaric, yet there is no mention of the 5 intersex children per day who are given cosmetic surgeries on their genitals without their consent? Why is the word “mutilation” used to talk about genital cutting in Africa, but in the United States, it is a “fairytale”? Why is it that the monologues are all written from the first-person perspective of women, with the exception of the only monologue about an intersex person? V-Day’s mission states “Rape, incest, battery, genital mutilation and sexual slavery must end now.” In excluding intersex genital mutilation from their work, V-Day fails in its mission to end genital mutilation. By choosing to highlight genital mutilation in African countries, while ignoring genital mutilation happening daily in hospitals across the United States, V-Day perpetuates racist and imperialistic ideas that are dangerous to women and men, both intersex and not, around the world.

As feminists, it is important for us to be critical of art, culture, theory and activism done in our name. When a group touts itself as “The global movement to end violence against women’, we must challenge that group to examine what that really means and question whether that is truly accurate.

Due to the ignorance surrounding intersex, it is not surprising to me that Eve Ensler and V-Day have not been more proactive in their response to intersex activists. Education is one of the top priorities for those of us active in the intersex movement. How wonderful would it be for intersex people if Eve had used her platform to help stop the very real violence occurring multiple times per day to intersex people in the United States and beyond?

It is time to hold V-Day and Eve Ensler accountable for the harm and damage they are doing. It is time to challenge them to live up to their mission. It is time to end the secrecy, shame, non-consensual and damaging genital mutilations happening to intersex people daily.

Sublimefemme Tells All, No. 18

A femme never hesitates to exercise her right to recline.


Why Are Lesbians So Seductive?

“Why are lesbians so seductive?”  Some inquisitive Sapphic searcher typed this into hir search engine and ended up at my blog. 

If you’ve been reading for a while, you already know that I keep an eye on the search engine terms that refer people to me.  Often these search terms are predictable, e.g. “butch femme attraction,” or downright troubling, such as the recent “gray haired cougars fucking” (I’m not making that up, I swear).   But on occasion I find a philosophical complexity to certain searches, such as the existential crisis implied by my favorite googling voyeur, “lesbianism to a point of i want to look.” 

Today’s question isn’t easy to answer.  Why are lesbians so seductive?  Why do people of various sexual persuasions find us distractingly alluring?   Is it because we’re bad girls?  Gender outlaws?   What do you think??   Personally, I think there is something irresistable about an autonomous, sexually confident woman.    Queer women have a sexual power that’s beguiling and (at least to some) dangerous because it isn’t about seducing men.  In a world in which authentic female eroticism is still rare, lesbians dare to be both subjects and objects of desire.  Pretty hot.

The Butch Fatale

It’s official.  Everyone in the universe is crushing on Rachel Maddow.

Lesbianism has finally come into a glamour of its own, an appeal that goes beyond butch and femme archetypes into a more universal seduction. Her name is Rachel Maddow, the polished-looking, self-declared gay newscaster who stares out from the MSNBC studio every weekday night and makes love to her audience….

This is from Daphne Merkin’s latest style dispatch for The New York Times, “Butch Fatale,” which describes Maddow as the embodiment of a new out and proud media-friendly “lesbian glamour.”   Suddenly it seems that “pretty” butches like Maddow and Ellen Degenerous are the new face of lesbian chic.   Merkin states that “Sapphic archetypes tend to raise questions more than answer them.”   I agree, but this is equally true of the butch fatale, which is probably what makes her such an intriguing figure.

A Valentine for You

Thanks to all of you who helped me pick my boudoir attire for VDay.  It was a difficult decision, but here’s what I’m wearing.  When it comes to lingerie, you can’t go wrong with the classics!  Hope you all have a great day (and night 😉 ).  xo, SF



Bedroom Eyes

The smoky eye is the apotheosis of sexiness.  Whether you’re an eyeshadow newbie or the kind of femme who never leaves the house without her eye makeup, you can learn a thing or two from the lovely and (for me, anyway) hypnotic Michelle Phan.

My favorite quote from Ms. Phan’s lesson is this:  “Remember for eyeliners, if you extend the line upwards your eyes will look young and sexy.  If you extend downwards your eyes will look old and sad.” 

Yes, a poorly drawn line can turn you into a wretched hag, but aren’t these bedroom eyes worth the risk?

Sublimefemme Tells All, No. 17

Never underestimate the power of the perfect dress.


Sex Kittenish Lingerie


Today, Sublimefemme Unbound explores the vexing question that has baffled philosophers throughout the ages:  Who is lingerie for?  The femme wearing it or the person who enjoys seeing her in it?   

v284790Van has always been very…enthusiastic about my passion for glamorous underthings.  Today, when I asked her opinion on a few seductive babydolls, bras, and panties that I’m considering purchasing for Feb. 14, she was happy to oblige.  However, she also said that I could probably wear a sexy little something from my personal collection that’s she’s forgotten and it would be just as good as something new.   


But really, darlings, where’s the fun in that?   I can go shopping in my own lingerie drawer for the rest of the year, but on Feb. 14?  Thanks, but no.  I’ve always been baffled by certain straight women who are disappointed when the men in their lives give them lingerie as a gift.  “It’s really a present for him,” they complain.  I completely disagree.  What good is Valentine’s Day unless you can consume large quantities of chocolate and buy lingerie that makes you feel like the second coming of Sophia Loren?!! 


I think every femme (single or partnered) deserves to do something to make herself feel beautiful and sex kittenish on Valentine’s Day.  What are you going to do to treat yourself, my pretties?  And what negligée/lingerie pictured here do you think I should get for myself? 😉

Photo Credit:  All images from Victoria’s Secret.


Femme=Bottom (And Other Myths)

It’s been a looong day, plus I chipped 2 nails right before I left the office (damn!), so I’m pissed as well as exhausted. Maybe this is the reason I’m seeing red after reading ASK A LESBIAN: “Sleeping with Straight Girls”, which is (sort of) a straight girl’s guide to sleeping with chicks in Q & A form.

This post reproduces so many offensive stereotypes about queer femininity–such as the myth that femme equals straight–that I keep asking myself if the whole thing is meant to be a satire. (But a satire of what? Sapphic cluelessness?) Seriously, would it kill these folks to do a little homework about femme, butch, and stone femmes?!!

I can’t believe that any lesbian who’s been out for more than 5 minutes really believes that femme and bottom are “synonymous terms.” I’ve pasted an excerpt from the post below. What do you think? Is this thing for real or a bad joke gone wrong??

So like whaddo I do? I guess I can’t just lie there anymore.

Scared str8

Dear Str8,

As it so happens, there is in fact a subspecies of lesbian for whom “just lie there” is precisely their distinguishing modus operandi. These lesbians are the first cousins of straight girls and are known as “femmes” or “bottoms,” which are synonymous terms (occasionally you will happen across an extremely rare breed of lesbian known as the “butch bottom,” but that is typically considered a crime against nature). Now, it might strike you as “unbalanced,” “unfair,” or even “aping heteropatriarchal relations” to have just one lesbian doing all the work in the bedroom, but femmes are possessed of a remarkable phenomenon known as “wiles,” which nearly all butches are powerless to resist. As a result of a femme’s “wiles,” a typical butch is not simply willing but rather indescribably eager to perform all the labor of sexual relations while the femme just lies there the whole time.

helpfully yours!

V-Day (Don’t Be a Hater)

If you’re a part of the Anti-Valentine’s Day movement–people who wear black and only listen to songs about how love sucks–go ahead, snark away at this post. Certainly, those of us who are fans of the holiday are easy targets, not only because the cheese factor is off the charts this time of year, but also because the vapid commodification of love that the holiday has produced is often more hollow than romantic.

In truth, the commodification of love and emotion is something that happens every day in our society, not just on Valentine’s Day. We’re trained to express our emotions through objects–that is, by buying stuff. If there’s any silver lining to the recession, it’s that I think it has caused a lot of us (including me) to express our emotions in ways that don’t require credit card swipes.

But really, why be a V-Day hater? The other day, I ran into a twice-divorced, hipster colleague of mine in a store near the university where we both work. Let’s call him Professor Hipster. Like a moth to a flame, I had gravitated to the store’s Valentine’s display and was poking through the offerings. I didn’t realize I was being watched until I heard a familiar voice behind me, “Is that Dr. Sublimefemme?”

My coworker seemed rather gleeful at having “caught” me checking out the teddy bears and other admittedly tacky items. The use of my professional title (yes, I really am a doctor, darlings) was interesting coming from Prof. Hipster, who is not a formal person. “Doing a little shopping?” he asked in a condescending tone. I truly think he expected me to be embarrassed. I’m not.

Prof. Hipster and others who sneer at Valentine’s Day as ridiculous and sentimental can kiss my ass. For femmes, Valentine’s Day is a high holy day. But I think we’re often made to feel like our appreciation for the romance of the holiday makes us superficial. Like beauty and fashion, love and romance are trivialized in our culture because they are feminized. If these things mattered to men, I guarantee you that they’d all be as important as the Super Bowl.

More V-Day posts to come! Are there topics related to the holiday you’d like to see discussed here? Questions about how to sweep your valentine off her feet or how to have a sublimely femme V-day? Leave them in the comments area.