I think my first girlfriend, Kristen, was stone. She was butch both on the streets and in the sheets (to tweak the old expression). She got off, but she didn’t enjoy or want me touching her genitals to do it, and our sex life was predominately organized around my pleasure. Many years after our high-drama relationship ended, I read an interview with a stone butch who said that she’d rather balance her checkbook than have an orgasm. I think that’s how Kristen felt. We naively thought we were rejecting “roles,” primarily because terms like stone, butch and femme were not in our vocabulary. I simply accepted the fact that K. had a boundary that she did not want me to cross. If memory serves, I had no problem with being the sexual center of attention!
This relationship took place in a gender galaxy far, far away, when lesbians in a certain uber lesbianic city all wore flannel and had bad haircuts (sorry, darlings, the truth can hurt, I know)–even yours truly! Those of you who’ve been reading for awhile may remember that I discussed this time in my life in my post What Makes (Me) a Femme. Looking back on it, what’s interesting to me now is that this relationship was the definining feature of my brief dykey,”andro butch” phase, but K and I were really anything but andro in private. She gave me a retro black lace slip–think Elizabeth Taylor in Cat on a Hot Tin Roof–for a Christmas present, so who were we kidding (except ourselves)?
Was K. a stone butch and was I a stone femme, even though we didn’t identify as butch/femme? What exactly is a stone femme, anyway? Here are a few possible definitions. #1 seems to me the one that’s used most:
1. A femme who partners with stone butches/transgendered butches/TG stone butches.
2. A femme who is uber femme, as in, “she’s a stone cold fox.”
3. An untouchable femme. Sasha at Card Carrying Lesbian discusses stone femme as a femme who is untouchable–either/or physically or emotionally in her post High femme vs Stone Femme: one interpretation
Personally, I always thought of a stone femme as someone who isn’t herself “untouchable” but who prefers to partner with butches who are–i.e. stone butches. I wonder, though, does this take us down the road of defining femme in terms of who we partner with, rather than who we are? If your stone butch transitions and becomes a transman, are you still a stone femme?