From Butch2Femme

This is a response to all of us from Butch2Femme, the femme newbie asking for advice who was featured in my post “Transitioning to Femme.”

********

Hi SF –
First and foremost thank you to you and your fellow bloggers/posters for your collective insight and sharing your personal process/transition/growth into the femme variations that you embrace. I would love some clarification from you and some of your readers about a few of your points.

“Did you feel free with your ex to express your gender–e.g. your femme side or your tomboy style? If gender is one reason why you think this relationship didn’t work out, my advice to you would be to proceed with caution.”

I thought that being in love with a femme meant that I had to be more butch, or that she was attracted to me because I was more boyish. Ive read Boots of Leather…, and while I knew on an intellectual level that the bulldagger/femme roles aren’t as pronounced anymore, I still wanted to be chivalrous/doting. In some ways she was the same, buying me things that made me more boyish, endulging me in those things my previous friends and family said made me look “dykey”. So those things/behaviors felt right at the time. Now that I’m single again, I realize that I’m the one shaping my identity, whole and apart from any friends or lovers opinion of what I should/could be.
I loved LadyBrettAshley’s response (well I loved everyone’s responses!) with respect to the once a tomboy/now femme is not a contradiction. Which makes me wonder if gender presentation is a duality/polarity at all or more like a continuum where you can find the spot you are comfortable in between the pink marabou heels and the pinstripe suit with the burgundy windsor knot tie.
Also, dear readers I do admit while I realize “trappings” are not what makes the femme, they are what have helped me find my center. I love women, I love playing the middle (business casual with heels and pearls), I love the cute hair and makeup, and I am asking all the questions I can think of to get me to that answer that is my own personal version of genderfabulousness. Thank you all for your lovely words of kind encouragement, and thanks to Sublimefemme for sharing my story (and her advice) with you all.

Hidden Truths about My Life: Tagged

When my favorite wry writer Alex “tagged” me the other day I was flattered but, I must admit, the whole tagging business sounded rather too sporty spice for me. However, because of my irrepressible affection for all things Alex, I’ve put on my (very stylish) cross-trainers and am jumping into the game. Don’t let it be said that Sublimefemme stopped the great tagging pyramid scheme!

I had to bend the rules a little just because, well, I don’t like to follow rules. The rules (posted below) require me to share 7 “facts” about myself, which I have done, but just to make things a bit more interesting, I’ve also included 3 lies. Anyone who guesses correctly which 3 are the lies will win an interview/feature story on Sublimefemme Unbound in which I shower you with lavish compliments and shamelessly promote your blog. And cook you dinner while wearing a very skimpy sublimely femme outfit. And do your taxes next year. Ditto on the outfit. (Yes, anything, even taxes, can be super hot if properly fetishized–a fundamental tenent of Sublime Femmeness.)

Here are The Hidden Truths about My Life. Can you separate fact from fiction?

1. I typically sleep in a babydoll nightie with matching g-string/thong/panty or cami with matching thong/panty.
2. Last night my partner dreamt about me and described me “drop-dead gorgeous” in the dream. (Not true, I assure you, but what could be more pleasing to a femme than getting an unconscious compliment from her butch?)
3. I have had sex with 3 men.
4. One of my favorite movies is Point Break starring Keanu Reeves and Patrick Swayze.
5. I own 96 bottles of nail polish (that’s including several kinds of base coats/treatments and top coats).
6. Growing up I never felt smart or pretty.
7. I keep a makeup inspiration book with magazine articles and images of new looks I want to try next to my vanity.
8. I used to be an aerobics junkie. (Before you groan, give me a break and remember it was the 80s and I wanted to tone!)
9. I was voted most radical in my high school class.
10. I’m a fan of the eyelash curler; even if I’m just lounging around the house I always curl my lashes.

The Tagging Game Rules:
1. Link to your tagger and list these rules on your blog.
2. Share 7 facts about yourself on your blog – some random, some weird.
3. Tag 7 people at the end of your post by leaving their names as well as links to their blog.
4. Let them know they have been tagged by leaving a comment on their blog.

I’m tagging the following fab bloggers:
Lady Brett Ashley at “don’t let’s talk”
LaurynX at A Femme Fluff Blog
Leo at butchgirlcat
Laura Luna at Creative Xicana
Screaming Lemur
The Gentleman at Ladies, Gentlemen and Undecided
Tina-cious

When I’m Bad, I’m Better

“Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before.”- Mae West

Transitioning to Femme

One of the main tenents of Sublime Femmeness is “never turn your back on a femme in need.” When I received a moving letter from a longtime tomboy asking for advice about transitioning to femme, I knew I wanted to share with her whatever hard-won wisdom I have to offer. But no one person has all of the answers–even yours truly!–nor can one person’s story alone ever convey just how various, gradual, complex and challenging the journey to discovering our lesbian gender (or any gender, for that matter) is for so many of us. It takes a big lesbo village, as they say. So I’m posting Butch2Femme’s letter and my response with the hope that it will encourage all of you to share your experiences and insights or just write a note of support to this lovely femme in need!

********

Dear Sublimefemme,

You wrote about going from a more conventional lesbian image to the high femme that you are now. I’d like to hear more about that transition if and when you feel so inclined. I’ve always been a tomboy but after having my heart broken by a femme in my first serious relationship, I feel a more femme self-image coming on.

I have avoided being more femme my whole life, partly as defiance, partly because no one showed me how to enjoy being a woman, and all of the lovely things that go with it (i.e. dolling up, wearing great shoes, nice delicates and some great clothes). I always retaliated against these things because I never thought I could be “pretty” or “attractive” in them. Now that I’m in my thirties (late bloomer I know), these things make me feel like a woman.

What if you can know you love women your whole life, but not know, or grow into the gender identity that best suits you until much later? I don’t feel prompted to be more femme because my femme broke my heart, but I’m confused about how to process these changes I’m feeling. Feigning being femme when I was “straight” feels so much less authentic than where I am now…dead center but loving the luxury of being a woman and all of the trappings. Does that make sense?
–Butch2Femme (in peep-toes with a cashmere sweater and tweed slacks)

Dear Butch2Femme,

First and most importantly: cute outfit! 😉

I think it’s a good idea after a difficult break-up to give yourself the time and space to heal. If we were talking about this over cocktails, the first thing I would ask you about is how gender issues played out in your last relationship. Did you feel free with your ex to express your gender–e.g. your femme side or your tomboy style? If gender is one reason why you think this relationship didn’t work out, my advice to you would be to proceed with caution. In other words, don’t run out and do anything too dramatic, like getting a tattoo that says “femme!”

I also would encourage you to remember that butch and femme are not mutually exclusive identities/styles. No one has to choose to be either butch or femme–you can be both. The femme in peep-toes with a tomboy edge isn’t confused; she’s sexy! There’s a great post about this on The Femme’s Guide, Can a Femme Be Butch Too?

If your femme side wants to come out and play (and it sound like it already has!), I think you should give yourself permission to experiment with your gender, including playing with different ways to express your femininity. The only way you can really know how to process your feelings is if you try different styles of “femme” on and see how they fit. That’s what I did, and the more I did it the better I felt! But I want to emphasize that my own journey to high femme was a very slow evolution. It took place over many, many years. In fact, I recommend that you reread my post “What Makes (Me) a Femme” with the following in mind: I’m talking about close to 20 years of life experience in this piece, from the beginning (me as a baby dyke stomping around in Timberlands) to the end (me as the sublimely femme queer theorist you know and love who had a femme epiphany thanks to Riki Wilchins and all the other wonderful people at GenderPAC)!

Wherever your journey takes you, just do me a favor and remember a few things:

You’re not a late bloomer! But even if you were, so what? It’s never too late to change and there never is any “right” time to do it.

Sometimes change can create a fear of failure, but all of us “fail” at gender. Nobody can live up to gender ideals, whether it’s being a “real” man or a “real” femme.

Being a “woman” does not equal being “femme.”

Be patient (change takes time).

Be open to new possibilities, always.

You don’t need to change yourself to find love. When the time is right, love will find you.

Have fun! xo Sf

********

Big Lesbo Village: Now it’s your turn!

To the Hottest Butch I Know

You are all that has ever been, is, and will ever be.   xoxoxo

Is this too dressy for tonight?  

Joan Nestle & Femme Herstory

Do you know my Femme Icon, Joan Nestle–working-class Jewish lesbian activist, writer, teacher and founder of the Lesbian Herstory Archives? If not, you should!

Below you’ll find a little about Joan’s life and work from “The Foyer,” which is the welcome page of her fantastic website, At-Home with Joan, where you can learn more about femme herstory and even read some of her wonderful essays, short stories, erotica, poems, and interviews:

Born in the Bronx, NYC in 1940 to a widowed Jewish mother, I came out as a fem in the working class bars of Greenwich Village in the late 1950s, protested the HUAC [House Un-American Activities Committee], the Vietnam War, marched against nuclear war, segregation, apartheid, US involvement in Central America, demonstrated for women’s rights including abortion and Gay Liberation. In 1973 became co-founder of the Lesbian Herstory Archives, in 1979 started writing erotic stories and in 1982 ran afoul of the anti-pornography movement, thus becoming a fervent pro-sex activist in the “Sex Wars.” In 1966 I started teaching writing in the SEEK Program at Queens College and did not stop until cancer forced me to retire in 1995.

Also check out Joan’s blog, Don’t You Ever Stop Talking. We’re all so lucky that she never has!

Mirror Mirror on the Wall

Lounging about at home yesterday sipping a Manhattan, I had a (no doubt bourbon-induced) epiphany about this adventure that is my blog–namely, we have collectively advanced to a higher level of femme awareness. Cheers to us, darlings! We’re now ready to move on to what is perhaps the most important principle of Sublime Femmeness….

It’s never, ever too early to start working on your Halloween costume.

There you have it. Sublime truth distilled into a bijoux for you to have and hold!

Ever since I was a naughty little girl, Halloween has been my personal high holy day. Yes, in recent years, it’s become sickenly commercial and turned into another Christmas (mark my word: they will eventually morph into one holiday–Christoween), but let’s not depress ourselves by talking about that now. Instead, let’s get to the heart of the matter: on Halloween, you get to dress up.

Now, before we go any further, let me make one point crystal clear: anyone who looks cute and conventionally pretty on All Hallow’s Eve insults all that’s decadent, beautiful and queer in the universe. I have not an ounce of tolerance for such do-gooders. However, I do try to help these lost souls when I can. For example, when little girls in fairy princess outfits show up at my door and politely take one tootsie roll, I refrain from cringing (they are children, after all) and encourage them to take handfuls of candy, hoping that I can shatter the false consciousness of polite-pretty by igniting their avariciousness.

For grown-up femmes, the ideal costume is one in which you can be scary/evil and gorgeous. This is probably why I’ve always wanted to be the Wicked Queen for Halloween. She’s described in the Disney Archives (yes, it really exists) as icily beautiful and grotesquely evil. She’s also extremely powerful, smart, vain and willing to do anything to be “the fairest of them all.” So what do you think, should I be the Eminently Evil one this year? Too predictable?

The real problem with this costume idea is that, in order for me to display my regal wickedness to its full advantage, I would need someone to play my niave nemesis, Snow White. But of course, the mere thought of Snow White on Halloween is against my religion. Ug. She’s sweet, innocent, boringly nice, and trapped in a spell-induced sleep-death in her preposterous glass coffin waiting for Prince Charming to awaken her. What a doormat! Leave her in the coffin, I say.

Do you have any recommendations for me, my lovelies? And what about you–any wicked and depraved plans for Halloween, I hope?

Stone Femme

I think my first girlfriend, Kristen, was stone. She was butch both on the streets and in the sheets (to tweak the old expression). She got off, but she didn’t enjoy or want me touching her genitals to do it, and our sex life was predominately organized around my pleasure. Many years after our high-drama relationship ended, I read an interview with a stone butch who said that she’d rather balance her checkbook than have an orgasm. I think that’s how Kristen felt. We naively thought we were rejecting “roles,” primarily because terms like stone, butch and femme were not in our vocabulary. I simply accepted the fact that K. had a boundary that she did not want me to cross. If memory serves, I had no problem with being the sexual center of attention!

This relationship took place in a gender galaxy far, far away, when lesbians in a certain uber lesbianic city all wore flannel and had bad haircuts (sorry, darlings, the truth can hurt, I know)–even yours truly! Those of you who’ve been reading for awhile may remember that I discussed this time in my life in my post What Makes (Me) a Femme. Looking back on it, what’s interesting to me now is that this relationship was the definining feature of my brief dykey,”andro butch” phase, but K and I were really anything but andro in private. She gave me a retro black lace slip–think Elizabeth Taylor in Cat on a Hot Tin Roof–for a Christmas present, so who were we kidding (except ourselves)?

Was K. a stone butch and was I a stone femme, even though we didn’t identify as butch/femme? What exactly is a stone femme, anyway? Here are a few possible definitions. #1 seems to me the one that’s used most:

1. A femme who partners with stone butches/transgendered butches/TG stone butches.
2. A femme who is uber femme, as in, “she’s a stone cold fox.”
3. An untouchable femme. Sasha at Card Carrying Lesbian discusses stone femme as a femme who is untouchable–either/or physically or emotionally in her post High femme vs Stone Femme: one interpretation

Personally, I always thought of a stone femme as someone who isn’t herself “untouchable” but who prefers to partner with butches who are–i.e. stone butches. I wonder, though, does this take us down the road of defining femme in terms of who we partner with, rather than who we are? If your stone butch transitions and becomes a transman, are you still a stone femme?

Sublimefemme Tells All, No. 8

To be high femme is to insist upon the reasonableness of artifice.

Beyond Guilty Pleasures

Do we as femmes focus too much on appearances? Does this make us superficial queers? Do we need to focus more on the internal not the external?

Buddhistfemme raises these questions in her excellent post, Femme-ness & Consumerism (A Few Thoughts). I really appreciate her effort to rethink femme from the inside out–especially in the blogging world where, from what I can tell, there’s a tendency to define femme more in terms of fashion, style and beauty. Are “the inner qualities of femme” missing from the conversation, as buddhistfemme suggests? Here’s my response:

1. Inner vs. Outer? Perhaps when we as (as femmes, butches, etc) are telling stories about our desires, how we experience of our bodies, how we style and dress our bodies, and how and with whom we partner, we *are* talking about what defines our identities at a very core level.

2. The Social, Not the Individual. Although as a pyschology student and buddhist, buddistfemme has a much more inward focus than I do, I think we’re both equally committed to questions of social and economic justice. It’s just that I come at these issues from a different angle–through the category of the social, not the individual or the personal.

3. Lifestyle Politics. I love the point buddishtfemme makes in one of her recent comments on this site about how people need to just *consume less.* She’s right. Our identities are so tied up with consumerism that we find it much more comfortable to look for consumerist solutions to social problems. Why protest if you can shop, after all? This is a major limitation of lifestyle politics, which suggests that we can change the world by just changing our lifestyles. As said here previously, I think making more socially conscious choices in our lives is important, but this just a first step towards authentic social change. Shopping isn’t going to help the queer kid living on the streets, as buddhistfemme rightly point out in her post.

4. Hey, You! Step Away from the Queer Theory. I think it’s worth noting that lots of us schooled in queer & gender theory have been trained to be suspicious about the very notion of gender as an inner, core identity. I’m thinking of Judith Butler’s argument that there is no gender identity that precedes our performance of it, no “doer behind the deed.” So perhaps this is one reason why some of us haven’t been talking about “the inner qualities of femme.”

Last but definitely not least…

5. I Like “Fluff!” And fashion, and beauty, and style. In my view, hair is pretty much a matter of life and death. My cultivation of femme-ininity isn’t a guilty pleasure for me; it’s at the heart of the campy, drag perspective on femme that infuses everything I do in work and play. I’m both serious and trivial, and I value both beauty and brains, politics and pleasure, high-brow art and low-brow pop culture. Not only do I refuse to choose between these things, but I’d like to question why we (particularly queers and women) have been made to feel like we have to.

Thanks to buddistfemme for her honest and thoughtful contribution to this debate. I’d be interested in hearing other people’s thoughts, as always!